I don't know

As I was reading her blog, I had so many thoughts circulating my head. Heated ones, cool ones, sweet ones, everything. Where do I begin? To tell a story of how sweet a girl can be (yes, her). The sweet love story that is older than the sea. The simple truth about the love she brings to me. Where do I start...

I didn't spread any rumours about her. I was in the hospital with Elinn and Kelly when I received a call from someone. I only told them about what the person said and told them not to worry or be involved. It wasn't my idea for Elinn to go around asking people who did that or anything close. Siders? Like I said, it's childish. To think who sides who. I mean, this is definitely a biased scale. I didn't go around telling everyone what happened. The only person I told was Kelly so that she would send me to the hospital without my family knowing. Also, I needed someone to talk to as well. Elinn called me in fury before I even told anyone anything. I wasn't exactly able to tell her much either.

Lying about the relationship? My relationship with her? Yes, I didn't want to tell people about it doesn't mean I lied to them. I recall myself wanting to tell everyone about it actually when I realised that she was affected by the "closet relationship" thingy, but she stopped me from doing so.

She posted a couple of letters she sent me. She never posted my replies to her. I had a reason for doing what I did and told her. I mean, she wanted us to only be friends, so I tried to do just that thinking it would make her happier and not realising it didn't. Subsequently, we compromised and she said she'd be with me till year end. But in the process of it all, I realised that she wasn't happy doing it so I decided not to be selfish and let her go completely then. Yes, I had been trying very hard to let her go completely but I couldn't. Was I wrong to keep trying, only because I thought she would be happier? I don't know. If you traced my blogs all the way back, you would know what I mean. But in UK, I decided that regardless what I did to myself, I would not let her feel that she's still tied to me.

I guess my head is totally screwed. It never dared to reign over my heart. I simply let my heart dictate my actions. I knew she didn't love me anymore. I knew she treated me like shit and took me for granted. Yet I still loved her so much. It wasn't because of hate or bitter love that I hit her back. Maybe it's PMS that I snapped. But I'm a human, not a saint. There's a limit to my tolerance too. I'm not perfect and she knew that for a long time. I'm basically stupid especially when it comes to loving someone. There's no reason for my loving her. It's simply how my heart feels that my head can't explain. Just because I can't take it at that point in time, it wipes out everything that happened last time? Just because I finally hit her back to tell her how painful her blows were, it means I never loved her before? She doesn't trust anyone. She doesn't trust me. She doesn't believe that I loved her. The only answer I can think of is really for God to show her my heart. Show her who it's beating for. Show her who it's craving for. Show her the pain it went through time and again, how it patiently accepted all the shit she gave.

I don't think I'm a psycho. I've checked with the doc that people with ADHD who stopped medication for some time can become more aggressive. I'm taking it as the reason why she treated me that way. I may be dumb to still love her whether she believes it or not, but I guess I'm always the fool. I know she'll throw everything I gave her, it's her decision. How I feel isn't too important. At least not to anyone.. Through it all, I've learnt 1 thing from her. Nothing is forever. The perception of forever had disappeared from my head. Eradicated.

There's only 1 person I've told this to and I made her promise not to tell anyone, especially her. That I still love her and I really miss her badly despite it all. And in the midst of saying it, I broke down.. as how I am right now..